When I was engaged someone gave us a sheet with 10 Commandments for Fighting Fairly. Sixteen years and some stains and wrinkles later, the sheet is still on our fridge. Every time I want to hold on to my anger, every time I don’t want to do what’s right, every time I don’t want to swallow my pride the list stares me in the face keeping me from enjoying that sandwich I’m trying to make. (It’s hard to chew when that extra side of pride keeps getting in the way.) Knowing how much that list has helped us fight fairly as husband and wife, I decided the kids needed a list of their own.
Kids are going to fight. It’s part of being a family. It’s part of having siblings. (At least that’s what I keep telling myself when the bickering starts sounding like nails down a chalkboard, ebbing away at my sanity.) With 3 kids under the age of 10, the illusion of everyone always getting along is just that, an illusion. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in building healthy, loving sibling relationships. I’m just trying to learn how to help them have that even when they disagree.
Following is a list of 10 Commandments for KIDS Fighting Fairly and a brief explanation of each. These have technically been present in some form all along, but having them written out and explained to the kids gives us something tangible to work through. Rather than having to referee immediately, I can point them to the fridge and ask them to try again after reading through the list. (Try eating that sandwich now.)
- REMEMBER YOU LOVE EACH OTHER.
You really do. Siblings are the best. You play together, have fun and have a slumber party every night.
- USE KIND WORDS. NO NAME CALLING, OR MEAN WORDS.
“Careless words stab like a sword. But wise words bring healing.” Proverbs 12:18
We can never take words back. Use them wisely.
- NEVER EVER HIT, KICK, SLAP, BITE, OR ANYTHING LIKE IT.
Even when this seems like the easiest and most satisfying way to solve a problem, it isn’t.
- NO YELLING. USE INDOOR VOICES.
Raising your voice just makes it harder to hear and understand you.
- TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS.
It doesn’t matter who did what first, or why you did what you did. Take responsibility for what you did. No excuses.
- ASK FOR A 15 MINUTE BREAK IF YOU NEED TO COOL DOWN.
If you feel like you cannot abide by the commandments at this time, ask for a 5, 15 or even a 20 minute break. You can do some breathing exercises, say a prayer, read a scripture, think through these commandments. Set a timer and then come back to talk.
- TAKE TURNS SHARING YOUR FEELINGS. “I FEEL __________ WHEN ___________.”
Your feelings matter. Help us understand them.
- ASK FOR IDEAS ABOUT COMPROMISE.
You might not always get your way, but you can try to figure out the best way to move forward.
- ASK FOR AND GIVE FORGIVENESS.
“Do not be angry with each other, but forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, then forgive him. Forgive each other because the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13
A full apology means saying something like, “I’m sorry for insert offense here. I know that express sorrow for what your action caused here. Next time I will insert repentance statement (what will you do differently next time) here. Will you please forgive me?
For example, “I’m sorry for taking your game without asking. I know that it made you feel disrespected. Next time I will ask first. Will you please forgive me?”
(I know this feels impossible, but trust me, it’s not. You can at least get a close version of it. Check out the 4 Steps of Forgiveness podcast.)
- GET HELP. IF YOU CAN’T WORK IT OUT, ASK SOMEONE FOR HELP.
If you’re not making progress, or you feel stuck ask for help. Thanks for trying!
So there you have it, 10 Commandments for Kids Fighting Fairly. Plan on having some violations. Plan on it taking time. After all, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to “practice” and practice makes perfect.
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