You’re on the road listening to your favorite jam when a guy cuts you off HARD, making you spill your freshly ordered Starbucks drink on your brand new shirt. Do you A) chase him down to give him a piece of your mind? B) honk your horn into 2025? C) take a deep breath and wonder if he just got a call that his wife’s water broke?
Whether you’re a conflict avoider, or a conflict aficionado, certain people and situations have the potential to really mess up your day. That cashier giving you bad vibes… That friend of a friend who looks at you sideways every time you make a joke… Next thing you know you’re playing out conversations in your head, feeling tension in your neck and shoulders, fighting off that wrenching feeling in your gut caused by the anger and bitterness ingested by your heart.
I was talking with a friend recently when I realized how valuable it can be to give someone the benefit of the doubt. She was having a hard time understanding someone’s actions and understandably so, in my opinion, was bothered. I realized though that the only person really suffering was my friend. Bitterness was building up and she didn’t feel good. I encouraged her to give this person the benefit of the doubt. Maybe there was another side of this story that we weren’t aware of, or perhaps they were going through some challenges that were contributing to their behavior. I realized how much better I feel when I can let things go versus how crummy I feel when I’m weighed down by hurt, anger or insecurity. I realized I’ve actually benefitted from giving others the benefit of the doubt.
The benefit of the doubt can actually offer you, the offended party, more peace than you think. It would seem that reading someone the riot act and putting them in their place would offer the most satisfaction. It sure feels good sometimes. But does it really? Scientific studies actually show that anger and resentment negatively impact our mental, emotional and physical health. And the Bible proves it isn’t good for us spiritually either. Forgiveness, on the other hand, actually benefits us emotionally, physically and spiritually. From lowering the risk of heart attack to improving sleep, letting go of grudges can do wonders for you.
Giving others the benefit of the doubt, however, can be at best intimidating and at worst frightening. What if people take advantage of you or others? And what if that person deserves to be put in their place? Let me clarify that I’m not suggesting we let people walk all over us, or that misbehavior always go unchecked. There are definitely times when honest conversations need to take place, especially if we have been hurt by a friend or loved one. My recommendation is simply that we start with the benefit of the doubt. Giving others the benefit of the doubt means we assume the best about someone. Even though they’ve done something to make you question or doubt their actions, intentions, or even character, you still offer a favorable opinion or judgement. The truth is that most people are not inherently evil or out to get you. It’s possible that you could be wrong about your interpretation of a situation. Maybe that friend of a friend who looks at you sideways is actually just insecure and thinks you don’t like her. It could be that the rude cashier is actually just upset because she’s had three other customers yell at her earlier that day. Regardless, our own sanity depends on us being willing to let go.
If you’re feeling like you don’t know how to let go, or give others the benefit of the doubt, here are a few suggestions to help:
- Ask questions rather than accuse
- Avoid assigning unfavorable motives and intentions
- Put yourself in other’s shoes
- Be willing to offer grace (People do make mistakes, as do you.)
The next time you’re feeling perturbed by someone, remember that your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health will actually benefit from choosing to give that person the benefit of the doubt.
“A person’s wisdom yields patience;
it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” – Proverbs 19:11
“Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.” – Romans 14:13
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