It’s Hard to Cross A Burned Bridge

One day I was looking through Tabitha Brown’s cookbook when I came across a quote, “It’s hard to cross a burned bridge.” I was feeling particularly salty that day – and I’m not talking about cooking – so that quote struck a chord that day. Sadly, I was experiencing some conflict at the time with a friend and it was really affecting me. At times I felt hurt and other times I just felt angry. You know how it is when you keep replaying conversations in your head and you think about what you should have or would have said? That’s not just me, right? Well, that’s where I was at. I did feel like a bridge had been burned and I didn’t want to try to cross over.

Keeping my distance or sweeping things under the rug wasn’t an option – not that it should ever be, but sometimes that seems like the best and easiest thing to do. While you may not be able to cross a burned bridge, you can repair and restore it. Without going too far into the analogy, the same can be said about a friendship. With careful effort, the right tools and materials, unity and harmony can be reestablished.

Like I said, I wasn’t originally in a place to try to make amends, but through prayer and the counsel of others I was able to get there. Here is what I learned and perhaps relearned:

1. Compassion is possible even in the midst of anger or hurt. It’s difficult to imagine mustering up compassion toward someone who you feel has wronged you, but I found that trying to step back to empathize with the potential conflict and hurt that the other person could be feeling allowed me to release some of the tension in my own body. Though for different reasons, chances are the person across from me is also feeling sad, hurt or angry.
2. Humility isn’t defined by silence or “brushing off” matters. As a Christian, I so much want to have the humility of Jesus on the cross and his silence against his accusers. Problem is that often times my silence has led to a hard heart, resentment and a desire to distance myself from others. That’s not true humility. Humility is being willing to share how I’ve been hurt or speak honestly without reciprocating what I feel. The truth is sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can hurt my heart. I need to be willing to expose the things in my heart in order to produce healing.
3. Choose freudenfreude rather than schadenfreude. Huh? I just learned about this so I had to throw it in here. Schadenfreude is pleasure derived by someone from another person’s misfortune. Freudenfreude on the other hand is the opposite. It is finding pleasure in another person’s good fortune. In other words, “stop hating.” Forgiveness is easier said than done. You can say you forgive someone, but often times there’s still a temptation lingering to say, “I told you so” or “Now they know what it feels like.” Instead, I can strive to celebrate victories and mourn losses together. This is healthy for me and my friend.
4. Be patient. 1 Corinthians 13 says love is patient. Rebuilding and restoring a burned bridge takes time, energy, help from others, and the right materials. Sometimes one conversation is all it takes to pick up where you left off, but at times you need extra time and sensitivity to get a matter resolved.

While it may be hard to cross a burned bridge, it’s not impossible. I may not be able to cross right away, but after some rebuilding I may find that the bridge is actually stronger and more enjoyable.